Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
