I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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