My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
