rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
