Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
