he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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