I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
