Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
