I heard we made out
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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