Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
