It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
