He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
