oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
