Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
