I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
