I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
