His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
