i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
