Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
