How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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