Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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