so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
