Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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