I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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