I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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