Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
