keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Randomize
