im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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