I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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