I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize