just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
