it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize