You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
