i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
