I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
