i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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