I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
