Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
