i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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