someone owes me an orgasm
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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