In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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