What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
