She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
