Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
