the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
