It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
