I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
false alarm, still single
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
