Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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