i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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