Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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