About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
