my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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