also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
