I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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