fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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