i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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