Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
