u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
