my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
