Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
