Need sex. Gaining weight.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
