my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
