return my video game
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
