Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
