The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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