apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
