oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
