Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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