i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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