having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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