Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
