I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
