Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I think my nap took me to another dimension
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize