I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
