I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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