Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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