I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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