So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
