Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
