Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
